4.11.2012

Raining Pain

Why is rain synonymous with pain and heartache?

Some of the earliest sad love songs that I can remember my mother blaring through her JVC cassette stereo all mention pain, tears, and rain.  Her favorites were obviously marked by my memorization of the lyrics to "In the Rain" by The Dramatics, The Temptations' "I Wish It Would Rain", and Milira's "Go Outside In The Rain". 


It is now painfully obvious to me that my mother has been living with horrendous heartache since she was twenty-three years old.  The love of my mother's life was killed in front of her three days after they were married by his baby's momma's boyfriend.  Though she had other relationships after his death and gave birth to an amazing little girl, her heart has never quite healed.  Thirty-two years later every Saturday morning, you can walk into my mother's home and hear plenty of artists wishing it would rain so they could go outside and cry away their pain.


A little more than 8 months ago, I ended a relationship on principle.  The proverbial line in the sand had been drawn.  And I made it clear that he should stay exactly where he is because I was moving forward after 4.5 years. I just wrote that as if it was so easy for me to get over another failed relationship  took some time to figure out the lessons that I obviously had to learn.  Truthfully, it required the use of some a lot of sick days.  The curtains were drawn all day, all night.  I never turned the lights on.  I watched the television with the volume on low or mute.  My phone was on silent or off.  I disappeared from family and friends.  I told no one about the line in the sand.  Or my decision to not cross it.  I was not checking emails, text messages, social networks, etc.  Sadly, each day I hoped that Mike Woods (FoxNY Weather) would promise rain in the forecast so I could open my curtains and blinds.  I needed the weather outside to look like what I felt on the inside and to match the paindrops tears steadily streaming from my ducts. I probably cried for two weeks straight - at work and all.  I believe I was trying to keep my pain fresh...so someway, somehow I was still holding onto or connected to the relationship him. 


As my God would have it, the sun shined everyday for two months while I slowly healed and patched the pieces of my heart back together with Scotch tape.  And while Kelly Price's "The Rain," put some of my pain in perspective, my mother's lifelong battle with heartbreak pushed me onward.


The day it finally rained, my mother and I went out to dinner to get me out of my apartment. In the car she says, "I hate rainy days. The day L**** was killed it was raining and the pain of losing him surfaces with every raindrop. I know you're hurting and I know you loved him very deeply and it doesn't seem like the pain is ever going to end, but it will.  I would have rather broken up with L**** for whatever absurd or disappointing reason, then losing him the way that I did.  Only God knows his plans."


My lesson:  I am blessed that I was able to love as deeply as I had and now having an opportunity to reconcile my pain and my disappointment with my failed relationship.  And getting better prepared for my next.


And with that story my mom led me into Letting Go and Letting God.





1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back D!!! Man, I've missed reading your blogs. Keep them coming. - AM