Is Your Relationship Our Business

If I was walking down the street and I saw a man hitting on a woman or vice versa, I would probably call the police. I stress probably. There's a problem with butting into the affairs of others - they don't want you there.

I know there are times when I vent to just about anyone about how frustrated I am when it comes to my boyfriend and the situations we truck through. I don't mind when people give me their input, I just get a little aggravated when people take what I say and then expect me to automatically apply their advice. Life doesn't work that way. People are going to be who they are and people are going to do what they want no matter what society thinks or doesn't. Sometimes people will see the picture that you paint for them, but sometimes no matter how you try to paint the picture a person will interpret it differently because perception is reality. I try not to think too much on other people's relationship. I'm very guilty of it, but trust and believe I'm more worried about "my" him, then I am anyone else.

I was reading Nina's blog about Chris Brown and Rhianna a little while ago. As you can see, everyone that listens to pop music in the world has something to say regarding Rhianna's decision to return to Chris Brown and their relationship. Apparently, her leaked TMZ.com photo gave everyone and their mother the right to tell her what she should and shouldn't do. I don't have an opinion on the matter because I'm not her. As a woman who prays to God daily to give me strength, I can only pray that her decision is based on the same strength I request daily. If I were in a situation where I was being physically, mentally, or spiritually abused by my man I would pray that the strength would carry me away from him.

Although I do have an opinion on domestic violence, I don't let it get in the way and allow me to make comments and/or judgments regarding someone else's relationship. All I can say is, "She's doing what she feels is best for her." I know that everything I choose to do is what I feel is best for me at the time. I may look back at it years, months, even days, later and see that wasn't the best choice...but at least I made a choice instead of having it made for me.

I am a victim of domestic violence...not directly, but indirectly. I have a cousin, with whom I am very close, that has been involved in a domestic relationship for more than 10 years. There have been times after they've argued and fought that I've crawled out my bed at 2:30am and drove into New York to pick her up and bring her back to New Jersey. I've made ice packs and such for her swollen and bloody eyes, split lips, and bruises. I've cried with her because I've hurt with her. At one time, I put a lot of distance between she and I, for several months, because she just refused to leave and I needed her to leave. Unfortunately, she wasn't ready to leave. There's nothing I can do about that. Her situation was hurting her and therefore hurting me. I, eventually, began reaching out to her again and let her know that I would always be there...no matter what. I also told her that if I'm ever around and you and him get into it I'm calling the cops...for both of their safety.

I don't judge my cousin's situation. I don't even give her reasons to leave. She doesn't need anymore reasons. She knows why she isn't supposed to be there. And only she and God knows why she stays. So I don't get into the "You're better than this. You're a beautiful woman. You should put your foot down." She already knows this...but for some reason, that I can't understand, she stays.

I don't know if I could be her. I could be. I'm susceptible to the same ills of life that she is. I'm controlled by my emotions, and not my head, just like her. So I don't judge. I, barely, get involved. I support her. And everyday I wonder if I'm supporting her right to make a decision in the way she chooses to live [or end] her life or if I'm enabling by giving her places to go to heal. But will she ever heal from this?

But how much of their relationship is my business?!? *huge sigh*


Assertive Wit said...

I don't think that you are enabling her by being there when she needs you. You are doing what you personally feel you can to help her in her situation.

I had a friend with a similar situation and I thought telling her to leave was the best thing to do. That is until she involved me by telling her dude what I said and he came to my door with a gun threatening to shoot me if I interfered again. Only because she saw nothing wrong with him threatening to shoot me did I tell her don't come to me anymore. Had she handled that differently, my house would have still been open to her because I loved her as much as a sister.

I never again offered my personal opinion on what a friend should do in a situation like this. I now feel like my only duty as a friend is to be there until they don't need me in that capacity anymore.

But I know it's hard...especially when it's family.

DLG said...

I don't think you're enabling, you're being the support system that she needs that is always helpful.

I'm thankful for this post because I was getting sick of people judging whether or not she should go back and if her decision makes her stupid. I really wish more people would understand that we don't know the entire situation and she has to make the decision that SHE feels is best, not the decision WE think is best.

Great post... I hope to read more.

suga said...

Wow, I just wrote something similar in a blog comment in regards to a blog about women who stay in relationships with men who cheat. The blogger just couldn't understand it. My reply was, that I dont think that it's my business to understand other people's relationships. everyone is built differently, everyone has their own dealbreakers, weaknesses, life experiences that molded them into the person that would put up with whatever they are dealing with. I have a friend who just up and walked away from her fiance after 4 years when he made a mistake. On the flipside, I have a friend who has stayed with her abusive and cheating baby daddy for 10 years. I can't understand either situation...probably because I wasn't built to understand them. But as their friend, I was built to support them in their decisions. So thats what I'll do.

Great blog, DM.