10.06.2008

Inside, Out

I love backwards and fowards, inside and out, with my heart hanging all out. I prefer it that way. When I do something I really don't like to go half-ass with it, but all the damn way. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Usually.



But sometimes I get in my own way. I make potholes, detours, and obstacles in what should be a smooth road. I'm as unpredictable as the weather. More, in fact.



Typically, I know what I want, and I want it when I want it but if for the slightest chance of rejection (pothole) potentially awaiting me up the road, I'll stop my journey and turn my half-black ass around. Quick, fast and in two hurries.



Why do I think I need a road map(it all laid out)? Why do I assume there is always going to be bumps in the road? Why can't I just cruise along and deal with shit as it happens? Why do I plan ahead for it and when it doesn't happen, I make it happen? Most times I create the damn bumps and/or obstacles in the road... My late maternal grandfather used to repeatedly ask, "Why do you always have to choose to take the hard road?" I replied, "Why do you assume that I see two roads?"



I live my life the only way I know how...unfortunately it's not proving to be a great way. I'm very guarded with all the wrong people. I'm all wide open to the people who don't deserve it. It's as if I select the people who I know can and will hurt me and then I give them just enough room and access to do so ... just so I can say, "I told you so!" or validate the misery, pain and misfortuantes battled during the course of my life.



For the record, I found out HE IS NOT ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL HURT ME and I gave him more than enough room and plenty of opportunities. So I let go anyway and now he's on the guarded side. I had to let go. Because what if I turned him into one of them. You know they say a woman has the ability to break a man down. Change him, sometimes, inadvertantly. But because I love him just the way he is - raw, real, undeniable, honest, intelligent, caring, charasmatic, comfortable and secure - I needed to do him a favor and get my negative-infecting ass away from him. Perhaps, I was a good girl once, but an asshole/idiot changed my outlook and my appearance...now I'm just miserable in a beautiful pair of stilettos.



I'm all traveled out. I've ran myself ragged on this road trying to get here - the end. Slowly, but surely I've been dragging his ass forcebly to this place. He tried to stop me, but I am too quick for him. I had to make sure we finished this road nice and early, beacuse I knew it was going to lead to a Dead End.



But now I hope - just a little that God shows me- that we're on a cul-del-sac and someway we can get turned around and get going again... on a different road!! The right road, the one that doesn't end, but splits at the fork and leads us to other places. Sane places.



I think I'm lost on this road especially now since I'm alone. Perhaps I am really lost. I know I'm alone. I don't know how I should go about ... Or getting in touch with ... so I can say .... and he truly know that I really mean what I don't do and not half of what I say, but all of the look in my eyes expresses how I feel. I'll always remember that look on his face... that look of misunderstanding. The where is all this all coming from when you were just in my arms? :::sigh:::



I'll never forget those feelings that emerged that made it hurt to say the words or the tears that I pushed back deep down inside to hide my regret, so I just mustered the courage and I said, "I just need a break from us. Me and you. This."



Then I heard a bump in the road; it was my heart hanging out, backwards and forwards, shattering from the inside, out! I guess I prefer it that way.

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