Inside, Out

I love backwards and fowards, inside and out, with my heart hanging all out. I prefer it that way. When I do something I really don't like to go half-ass with it, but all the damn way. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Usually.

But sometimes I get in my own way. I make potholes, detours, and obstacles in what should be a smooth road. I'm as unpredictable as the weather. More, in fact.

Typically, I know what I want, and I want it when I want it but if for the slightest chance of rejection (pothole) potentially awaiting me up the road, I'll stop my journey and turn my half-black ass around. Quick, fast and in two hurries.

Why do I think I need a road map(it all laid out)? Why do I assume there is always going to be bumps in the road? Why can't I just cruise along and deal with shit as it happens? Why do I plan ahead for it and when it doesn't happen, I make it happen? Most times I create the damn bumps and/or obstacles in the road... My late maternal grandfather used to repeatedly ask, "Why do you always have to choose to take the hard road?" I replied, "Why do you assume that I see two roads?"

I live my life the only way I know how...unfortunately it's not proving to be a great way. I'm very guarded with all the wrong people. I'm all wide open to the people who don't deserve it. It's as if I select the people who I know can and will hurt me and then I give them just enough room and access to do so ... just so I can say, "I told you so!" or validate the misery, pain and misfortuantes battled during the course of my life.

For the record, I found out HE IS NOT ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL HURT ME and I gave him more than enough room and plenty of opportunities. So I let go anyway and now he's on the guarded side. I had to let go. Because what if I turned him into one of them. You know they say a woman has the ability to break a man down. Change him, sometimes, inadvertantly. But because I love him just the way he is - raw, real, undeniable, honest, intelligent, caring, charasmatic, comfortable and secure - I needed to do him a favor and get my negative-infecting ass away from him. Perhaps, I was a good girl once, but an asshole/idiot changed my outlook and my appearance...now I'm just miserable in a beautiful pair of stilettos.

I'm all traveled out. I've ran myself ragged on this road trying to get here - the end. Slowly, but surely I've been dragging his ass forcebly to this place. He tried to stop me, but I am too quick for him. I had to make sure we finished this road nice and early, beacuse I knew it was going to lead to a Dead End.

But now I hope - just a little that God shows me- that we're on a cul-del-sac and someway we can get turned around and get going again... on a different road!! The right road, the one that doesn't end, but splits at the fork and leads us to other places. Sane places.

I think I'm lost on this road especially now since I'm alone. Perhaps I am really lost. I know I'm alone. I don't know how I should go about ... Or getting in touch with ... so I can say .... and he truly know that I really mean what I don't do and not half of what I say, but all of the look in my eyes expresses how I feel. I'll always remember that look on his face... that look of misunderstanding. The where is all this all coming from when you were just in my arms? :::sigh:::

I'll never forget those feelings that emerged that made it hurt to say the words or the tears that I pushed back deep down inside to hide my regret, so I just mustered the courage and I said, "I just need a break from us. Me and you. This."

Then I heard a bump in the road; it was my heart hanging out, backwards and forwards, shattering from the inside, out! I guess I prefer it that way.



Sometimes I don't know how to interpret the things I see. Or feel. Most times, I just file everything in the 'what are you gonna do!' section and refer back to it later. I suppose every moment of one's life is relevant - at one point or another.

Do you ever wish to know the day that you will actually leave this Earth? If you could know the day you were going to die, would you want to? Would your life be different?

Although it wasn't the first time I saw "Selena," movie based on the life of the late Tejano singer, today it affected me differently. I'm not sure why it did. I just know it did. It was one of those moments when information from the 'what are you gonna do!' file became relevant.

Selena was 23 years old when she was killed in 1995 by someone she believed to be her friend. She was twenty-three. I was 13 when Selena's died and believed I was immortal. By March 1995, I attended 5 funerals for "friends" that had been killed either in stolen car chases or by gunfire. But even still, I believed in order to die or be killed you had to be old or involved in unsavory/illegel things. Hell yeah, I was dumb.

Today, I know better. Maybe it was the loss of my 11-year-old godbrother in November 2003 that finally made me see. Or the health issues I've been dealing with the last year. Or all the people who have passed on...

I just know that watching the ending of that movie, I felt a surge of feelings that were unfamiliar. And that's a lot coming from an emotional person. I can't quite explain... I don't know if I really can. I just know that perhaps we should do more with our lives than we are doing.

How are we supposed to know what to do with the time we have if we don't know how much time we are given? I wish I knew. But I'm gathering if I did know I'd probably file it in the "what are you gonna do!" file?